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I am not pregnant

06 June 2017

Recently I was over-working and I found myself a victim of scrutiny under a microscope. I had to spend the night in a small room with a pretty nurse smearing some form of jelly on my belly and my soft rear. Under normal circumstances, I would be ecstatic but unfortunately it was an ultra sound.

I had spent over 60 hours writing code for my highly respected, although technologically handicapped boss, who did not understand the simple lifecycle of software development. I belong to a rare species on this earth called programmers. We are called wizards for simple reason that we can create things that do things and normal homo sapiens do not understand how we did it. This however, does not mean that we went to Hogwarts School of wand-wavers to birth a solution in an instant. It takes a lot of time, effort and Google. You would think that Google makes it easier for us.

So, this homo-clueless boss of mine decides to promise a client a solution within 72 hours. To him, this was the company’s lifeline and I had to deliver. Being the nice-guy that I always pretend to be, decide to work myself off for a whole two and a half days with red bull, coffee and a whole lot of snacks as my fuel. The downside of these doping drugs is that they deplete your natural energy reserves pretty quickly. They also have unlimited access to your bladder. I decided to take a break, and dash to the little men’s’ room to get rid of my kidney’s waste management reserves. And that is when the ground hit my face!!! Unbelievable! I woke up some few hours later in the emergency room being given more energy enhancement drugs only this time through my arm. My first thought was, I hope the nurse did not destroy my arm. Seems a bit arbitrary but try typing with one hand.

Then I saw the pretty nurse and all my worries were blown away. I mean, no one that beautiful could mess up, right? She sent me all over the hospital. I was subjected to orifice probing experimentation. I was sucked dry, pumped up, tickled, X-rayed, bent and asked a whole lot of questions that are only meaningful to a nine-year-old. They removed so much excrements that I now had new symptoms of dehydration. For goodness sakes, they caused that one. Thank God I had insurance. The only good thing that came out of this whole experience was that the pretty nurse had to check my undercarriage, other than that, it was a total nightmare. She then decided to check my blood pressure, which they found was extremely high. Of course, it was high, I dare you to remain calm as a pretty nurse is massaging your baby carriers!

At the very end of the ridiculous examination, by which time it was already night-time, they found that I was an over-stressed young man with no regard to my well-being. No life-threatening diseases, no tumors and no foreign objects in any of my orifices. It was a total waste of time! And after all that experimentation, they found a reason for a follow up checkup the following week. This gave me ample time to watch all the spoilers to Game of Thrones for the next week while my boss was almost bursting an artery since the project wasn’t done. We still finished the project two weeks later.

And that is how I came to be lying in a small room, with a pretty nurse smearing me with KY Jelly. She then ran her ultra sound detector all over my belly before turning on the light and giving me the good news. I’m not pregnant.
Posted by Samuel K. Gichuhi

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